"I am not my kids' god. He is their God." This thought is very overwhelming. It's hard to imagine that anyone could love my kids more than I do. It's also humbling, because as much as I love them, He does love them more, and he loves me the same way he loves them. I've been trying to love with open hands. Loving and protecting my family with every ounce of my being and yet leaving them in God's hands. This is so hard for me to do. To give them to God and trust that he'll do what's best for them. And when it's not what I would want it to be, trust that He'll give me strength and courage to accept it. Most of the time I tell the Lord I'm leaving them in His hands, but I'm still clinging to them, not wanting to let go. No one wants anything bad to happen to their family. For me the fear can be paralyzing. I hate leaving Olivia at someone else's house. I pray the whole time I'm away from her that we'll all be together at the end of the day, happy and healthy. I pray every day that God will keep Ryan safe while he's at work. I still check on Olivia every night before I go to bed to make sure she's still breathing and now I check on Ronan, too. And I thank Him so much for keeping us safe and well. And although the tears stream down my cheeks as I say "I give them to you, Lord, with open hands", I remember that they were His before they were ever mine. They are precious gifts from Him. I love my family so much.

Olivia

My goodness, this child is too funny. Every day it seems she is doing something that makes me smile or laugh. This was today when she was listening to VegiTales. I missed the very beginning when she was really bee-bopping her head to the music.

Don't ask me where she got the idea that this is a bra, but she loves to wear one. ;)

 The other day I was helping her get dressed...
"What's this? Oooh, underwear!"
"Actually, Olivia, it's called a diaper cover."
"Oh! Haha! A diaper cover? Thanks, Mom, you're the best!"
This was accompanied by a huge hug. Melted my heart. made me laugh, too, when I was trying to figure out where she'd heard "you're the best". Probably Mickey Mouse. Can't you hear it - "Thanks, Minnie, you're the best!" But she's said it several times since then and every time my heart melts a little.

This might be a little TMI, but it's funny none the less. We got her a little toddler seat to go on the toilet and so she's starting to go potty like a "big girl" some. The other day she was sitting there and said, "Oh, it's coming, it's coming! Hmmm. (toot) I pooped!" So very proud of herself. ;)

She still thinks of my stomach whenever she sees a balloon. It usually sounds like this...
"A bayoon (balloon)! Mama's tummy pop!"
"Mama's tummy popped?"
"Get Wonan (Ronan) out. Doctor."
"Mama went to the Doctor and he helped her get Ronan out of her tummy?"
"Yeah! It pop! My doctor?"
"You want to go to the doctor?"
"Yeah."

She still loves coloring and writing. You have to watch her though, because sometimes she makes a bit of a mess.

Luckily this was a dry eraser marker and came right off the table.

She loves to sing. A few of her favorites right now:
The Itsy Bitsy Spider
ABC song
Pop Goes the Weasel
Ring Around the Rosie
(These two are usually sung together, "Pop goes the rosies, ashies, ashies, we all fall down.")
Building Up the Temple
Zacchaeus
Deep and Wide
Yesterday she even played the piano very nicely while she sang "My Peace I Give Unto You".

Things she loves...

Looking at herself in the mirror.

Cats

Being a big sister.

SomethingTo Think About

Today I came across this. It really struck a cord with me. I haven't read very much of her blog, but what I have read makes me think that some how she is reading my thoughts and writing them down for me. I found it when I read this. I love reading things that I can relate to. But then who doesn't? ;)

"You're Gonna Miss This"

I think I've mentioned before about how I come up with all these good things to say when I'm busy. Well, yesterday was a busy day. Laura came over and helped me clean my house. It hasn't been this clean since my parents cleaned it for me. ;) She even brought her steamer over so she could get all the gunk off my kitchen floor that doesn't come off with normal mopping. I normally get down on my hands and knees a couple of times a year and scrub it really good, but the steamer is so much nicer. So anyway, while I was cleaning, I was reflecting. Reflecting on how busy life is right now. About no matter how hard you try, you can't get everything done in a day that you would like to. About my growing pile of clean laundry on the guest bed waiting to be folded/hung up. About the pile of laundry that still needs to be washed. About how incredibly blessed I am to have those piles of laundry (and the guest bed to put them on). ;) About not having as much time as I would like to spend with my kids to just enjoy them. About not having as much time with Ryan as we used to have. And the whole time I was thinking of this song. This song brings tears to my eyes every time I hear it, because it's so true. One of these days I want to get some of my pictures together and make a slide show with this song. I just want to treasure every minute of my day, because the days go by so fast. I have an almost 2-1/2 year old and a 2 month old! And it seems like it wasn't that long ago that Ryan was asking me if I wanted to start writing him. And I wished those days away. Always waiting for the next time I would see him. (And I'm not saying it should have been different.) But I wish I had focused more on enjoying my time with my family, because now I look back and kind of wish I could relive those days. Singing at the top of my lungs with Drew in the car, driving to work with Dad to fill in as "secretary" at Caffes-Steele (and Drew and I helping push the car down 95 when we ran out of gas on the way home ;)), eating lunch out with Mom while we were shopping, and going down to Molly's and giving her a bad time about how I always had to do her dishes when I was there. There are so many good memories of my childhood, teen years, and early 20's. There are bad memories, too, but mostly good ones. And then so many good memories of life with Ryan and starting our little family. Moving to a new part of the country and making new friends - friends that I can't imagine not having. Friends with kids the same ages as mine. Friends that help me feel so normal. ;) And yet I need to treasure the hard times, too, because those are the times that make us stronger and bring us closer to the Lord. Those are the ones I would rather just shove under the rug and not think about, but they are there. And they don't have to be completely bad memories if we let God work his will in us and shine through us even in those times. Because looking back on some of the hard times, I can actually smile. Not because I don't remember the tears and frustration, but because I can see how He helped me through it. Sometimes with a whisper, sometimes with an overwhelming since of peacefulness, sometimes through encouragement from someone close to me, and sometimes with a beautiful day. And so I want to live remembering the past, looking to the future, but focusing on today. Because I don't want to miss out on anything because I'm too focused on how I wish things could be.

Ronan is 2 months old!

   I can't believe my little boy is getting so big! He's not sleeping as much as he used to and when he's awake, he's very smiley (most of the time). As with Olivia, my milk supply hasn't been keeping up with the demands of a growing baby, so I've been supplementing with formula. It isn't something that I would choose to do, but if I must I must. So for the last couple of weeks we have been trying to find a formula that doesn't make Ronan gassy and/or constipated. Unfortunately Nutramigen seems to be working the best, which means we'll be paying more than we thought we would for formula. I'm hoping that as he gets older he won't need the milk proteins broken down so much and we can switch to Gentlease (which is what we used for Olivia and is a lot cheaper).
   As sad as it is, we haven't had a "photo shoot" for Ronan. There are lots of pictures of him, but we don't have any of the cute newborn ones that you normally take. Melanie said she would take our pictures, but we have yet to find a day that works well for all of us. So today I decided I would take my camera and make a feeble attempt to get a few cute pictures.

 At 7 weeks and 2 days:
weight: 9 lbs, 13 oz. - 25%
height: 22.5 in. - 50%
head circumference: 38.5 cm - 25%

Tattle - tale

"Mama, Wonan grab it!"
I looked down at Olivia. She was holding a flat rubber basketball and her face had a very cute, perplexed expression on it.
"Ronan tried to grab your ball?"
"Yeah!"
Hmmm. She's already tattling on him.

I've written this post a million times in my head. Each time it's a little bit different. And each time it never actually gets written. For some reason when I'm the busiest, it easier for me to compose stuff in my head. Then when I have time to write, it's the last thing I want to do. ;)
We are settling into life pretty well as a family of 4. It's hectic at moments, but then there are moments, like right now, when everything is calm and peaceful and both kids are sleeping. I'm appreciating these quiet times a lot more now.

Today, right before I started writing this post.

I'm so glad Mom and Dad were able to be here for a little bit. Mom came out 2 days after Ronan was born. I was fully expecting my recovery this time to be like it was with Olivia (which wasn't horrible, but I could tell I'd just had a baby). It wasn't. It has been way better and I keep having to remind myself that, yes, I did deliver Ronan. I have the memory of it, but other than being tired, I feel great. So as a result of feeling so great, we were able to do a lot while Mom was here. Tons of fun! Among the things that we did: grocery shopping (a few times), Morro Bay, San Luis, coffee with Laura. And after Dad got here: Cayucos (to see the fireworks),

Yes, we were sitting right by the ocean. ;)

Morro Bay, Cambria. And of course through out that time we had several visitors drop in,

Apparently Wyatt was very happy to see Olivia.

Eating goldfish.

went out to eat a few times, and just chilled at home. Well, at least I chilled. :) Mom was kept busy with the laundry, dishes, cleaning the house, and Ryan was helping, too, when he wasn't at work. And Dad, once he got here, was put to work, too, mowing the lawn, cleaning the showers. And everyone entertained (or was entertained by) Olivia and enjoyed snuggling with Ronan. ;) He loves to cuddle - just like his big sis.

Having Mom and Dad here was truly an answer to many prayers. I'm so thankful for the time we got to spend with them.